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Contra
Contra is the thirteenth episode of the The Irate Gamer. Plot After a prominent editor of the wiki was so horrified at describing the previous episode and its implications a long amount of time was used to take a break. Unfortunately Chris Bores also known as ladybuggin and now taking the alias of his loyal white knight batdamn (now in his 99th account jabba d'fatski) thought that a single editor taking several months off to attend to his studies and his classes were sign that he must be running a blog known as Batdansucks (a covert blog designed to impersonate a lunatic and then expose Chris Bores as Ladybuggin) despite the fact that I could be running several blogs and there's no reason to assume that I would quit simply to run a blog. OH wait I'm sorry you wanted to see the plot of the episode? Most people are here for the lulz and to a see a man dying on stage... either way the video starts up with a photoshoped contra page with the two main characters replaced by Irate Gamer and the wise sage, though considering that the wise sage has been removed and is never coming back as the original actor; viewers will be surprised to know that wise sage's face was not edited out and replaced with a copy of irate gamer's face. It makes sense that Chris would not do that as the even Chris would find one extra photoshopped Chris face as highly repulsive. A full half minute into the review, Chris finally starts talking about the game and lists its features. Chris assumes that Contra is popular simply because it had co-op showing that he is clearly a master of the demographics. Chris barely even begins talking about the controls or the actual gameplay before he starts talking about the guns the game has to offer. This of course leads to the audiences detriment when Chris talks about the machine gun it cuts a skit where he waves it around as if he has issues expressing his feelings and screams "Take that you bitches" while proceeding to shoot no one. Hecklers may comment about Chris learning to shoot from his husband. Chris notes that its good to get so many guns because he constantly keeps getting stuck with the rifle for a reason known as sucking at the game. A full minute into the video, without talking about the controls, the actual gameplay or anything even relevant to the a review of a retro NES game; Chris says “'Even though this game is awesome, it still had it’s share of flawls'”. Chris once again demonstrates that he simply pirates NES games as he doesn't bother to read the instruction manual, Chris confirms this when he says “First off, where’s the backstory to this game?". Chris states that players should care in a NES game that like the 99% he has "played" and knows all the "ins and outs" of doesn't have a explanation for its story in game. Chris says “I guess there could be answer in the instruction manual, but to hell with that. Whoever reads those things anyway?” noting that instruction manuals are for eating. Chris then acts out the memetic scene where he says “I can’t waste my time reading about a game, I just gotta play it!” and throws paper around as if he is at a strip club which attentive viewers may note that due to the Chris's lustful nature and THC inducded stupor, may actually think he's about to have reproductive action (this would account for how quickly Chris is willing to ignore logic to play the game since he believes the opportunty for reproductive action will vanish if he takes a short delay). “'Now, judging by the title of this game. I think it’s pretty obvious what your mission objective will be'.” Chris says showing that he is clearly under the influence of drugs. “'But I do wonder what transpired before this game even began?'” Chris further elaborates on his state of intoxication. A scene where Chris is apparently at the pentagon... NO the more correct interpretation is a drug induced stroke. A drug induced stroke in the shape of terrorists annexing an Island in the pacific. Chris then says "“the 8-bit translation would look something like this.” showing that he is clearly serious about eating the manual and is desperately seeking medical assistance to retrieve the manual from his bowels.. also drugs. The animation that plays proceeds to piss off the non-existent audience and then ends because Chris finally admits his work is painful. Had Chris any merit as a retro gamer, Chris would have noted that the japanese version of contra had cutscenes that explained the plot. Chris demonstrates his soviet levels of censorship when he says "whose bright idea was it to send in only two soldiers against a shitload of rogue terrorists." implying that his entirely made up story is believed by him. Audiences are left unsurprised by Chris's ability to indoctrinate himself considering his stupor and level of intelligence which is so flat you could use it for sitting. The audience's heckling however is short-lived as Chris says “'Who’s commanding this operation, Gomer Pyle? Well golllllly.'” wounding several members of the audience. Two died in this incident now known as Chris Bores does an impression, there were 18 wounded. Chris Bores having won the department of redundancy award cements his position as first place winner by saying “'There’s a lot of enemies in this game'” and "These upgrades turn out to be very useful” as well as "you really shouldn't watch my show, its not good for your health and if you complain I will harass you in my mother's account and my Batdamn impersonator account!". Armake21 is then plagarized as Chris talks about the laser gun which he should have talked about in the gun section of his review and says “'avoid it like the fucking plague'” which attentive viewers may note that this the advice given to people who ask about the Irate Gamer show and fandom. Chris has suddenly taken parkinson's disease as he is unable to let go of the shoot button to allow the laser to fire. Chris then does a skit where the laser appears in his room, he attempt to eat and absorb its nutrients but dies from its radioactive contents... Also drugs. Chris notes that constantly pressing the shoot button is painful on his delicate non gamer hands. So Chris, despite the fact that he was already using a turbo controller in the laser sequence says he will now be using them (see soviet censorship). Chris says the game is hard and a montage of Chris attempting to evacuate his bows ensues... Also drugs. A robed man appears when Chris finally gives up on actually using the toilet, tells him to use the code. “'So what is this code you ask?'” says Chris followed by not naming the developers and saying that the code is infamous (aka people hate it). Chris then notes that he doesn't have any friends because he's a 30 year old who has to pretend to be his mother and recently his loyal white knight. Wise sage then enters and does the unwise move of deciding to play a game with Irate Gamer. Irate Gamer says that the best part of the game is playing it with two players as he recieves his department of the deparment of the department of the department of redundancy of redundancy award... a rare honor indeed. Chris states that 2 player mode sucks because touching the bottom of the screen kills the other player and its bad because he can't be arsed to co-operate and only progress when he won't get player 2 killed. Game Genie is clearly used. Six goddamn minutes into the review, Chris finally makes it to the end boss of stage 3 and notices that its an alien... the same one on the box art of the game. “'Now wait just a fucking minute here! There are aliens in this game?'” says Chris expecting the audience to find a plot twist that isn't a plot twist to be surprising. Chris showing that he beleives his drug induced hallucination about the plot of the game says "What the shit? I thought I was fighting a terrorist war, now I’m fighting an alien war?”.' '“'Boy, I’ve been seriously misled'” says Chris no doubt keeping in line with his piss poor parody status (attentive viewers may note that piss may actually have more value than this review and as such the words piss poor will never be used again and will be replaced with idiot). Irate Gamer then says the game never gets boring or repetitive to the audience who would note that this praise does not extend to the quality of Chris's work. Chris reaches the final level of the game using game genie since its clear that he should have mentioned the previous levels and says... no seriously... This is gonna surprise the shit out of you... its hard. "OH MY GOD. THE LAST LEVEL OF A GAME IS HARD!? NO! NO! NO! MY LIFE IS FUCKING RUINED NOW! I WAS THINKING THE LAST LEVEL WOULD BE EASY! AND NOW AFTER FIGHTING THROUGH THOUSANDS OF ENEMIES IN PROGRESSIVELY DIFFICULT LEVELS... YOU ARE TELLING ME THAT THE LAST LEVEL IS HARD? MY DAY IS RUINED NOW! THANKS CHRIS I DON'T LIVE MY LIFE NOW! YOU ROXXXOR CAN IS SING MY INCREDIABLY BAD AND NON-SENSICAL PARODY OF THE AVGN SONG? BECAUSE I LEARNED IT FROM A DUMPSTER" - Batdamn ... also on drugs ...also not batdamn as its Chris Bores pretending to be him. "Hey leave me out of this, I want nothing to do with you" - The dumpster, demonstrating that even the bottom of the barrel wants nothing to do with Chris. Chris says there is a lack of creativity for the final boss as attentive viewers will note the amount of plagarism and outright lack of creativity in Chris's work. Chris then says the ending is lame and then does a skit that no-one would give a shit about. The skit is unsurprisingly drug inspired. External links *Internet Movie Databse Video Trivia *It took editor MrKillUltraTM 2 hours to make this article. According to ladybuggin this is proof that I must be another blogger (the one who wrote an insult against me and continues to reference my name when I do not wish to be referenced) because it shouldn't take me a year to write an article. He is correct though as it doesn't take me a year to write an article since I didn't spend any time writing an article because I have a life something Chris Bores and owner of the account Ladybuggin777 the author does not realize *"Now is following proof that Mr.Kill is really Lasersquad: A man asks "what is two plus two?" MrKillUltraTM says "four of course!" and Lasersquad says "four" there... undeniable proof that you are lasersquad MrKillUltra - signed Ladybuggin777 :D~" ::: Chris Bores being a faggot. Actual Trivia *The next episode is infinitely worse than this one *Chris believes that terrorist apparently have to be rogue and not implicity rogue *This is the second time where Chris would demonstrate parkinson's disease. He originally demonstrated it in Mission impossible review